To celebrate the beginning of summer, I took my kids to Family Night at our favorite chicken restaurant. The place was absolutely packed with kids hyped up on the promise of freedom. The play area looked like a giant ant bed that had just been kicked over and sounded like the 10th circle of hell that Dante could never have imagined in his worst nightmares.
Let’s just say it was a long night.
Once we got home, after I finally got the kids in bed, I sat on the couch and held my breath. I didn’t want to do anything to wake them up. I knew if I so much as twitched, they’d wake up. A few minutes later, I needed to walk past their bedrooms to check the laundry. Halfway there, I realized if anyone happened to see me, they would worry about me. Each step took all kinds of planning and I was hopping all over the hallway, avoiding those squeaky spots.
And that’s when it hit me. Moms are total ninjas. Need more proof? Read on.
If the opportunity for a glass of wine and the sounds of silence are in your near future, the chances of your child waking up are dramatically increased. So, as I described above, moms are capable of going silent. We have the skills necessary to move quickly around the house, wash dishes, and even microwave popcorn without making a sound.
If you need any evidence that moms have more endurance than is humanly possible, just take a peek at one of their calendars. Any given day might look like this: Up before dawn, shower, iron clothes, make lunches, ready backpacks, get kids up and dressed and fed and into the van for a parade route of school drop-offs, off to meetings, grocery stores, jobs, cleaning, school pick-ups, extracurricular activities, snacks, homework, dinner, dishes, baths, kids to bed, repeat. In the snow. Uphill both ways.
Moms are fast. I could just leave it at that and no one would question it. You know we’re fast. It doesn’t matter what size we are, we can book it when we need to. A mom can hear a whimper from her child, immediately process the sound, determine if action is necessary and at what speed it should be delivered. She can be across a football field in a single bound. Sometimes, the only speed required is for a chocolate fix. How many of you have eaten something delicious that you didn’t want to share with your kids? And you didn’t want to wait 9 hours for them to be in bed? You just use your stealth mode to move into the kitchen and unwrap said treat and you’re able to inhale it quicker than that skinny hot dog eating champ. Or so I’ve heard. Mmhmm.
According to Ross Geller, unagi is a “state of total awareness” and it’s “not something you are, it’s something you have.” Moms have unagi. Let’s say I’m in the living room folding clothes (okay, fine, scrolling Facebook), and suddenly I just know it. They’re up to something. Maybe it’s the eerie silence that comes with freshly painted walls and a new box of markers. Or with newly potty-trained kid and a fresh roll of toilet paper. Or the unattended liter of water you got with the intentions of being healthier. Some people call it a sixth sense. Some people call it UNAGI.
Moms have been sharing tidbits of wisdom throughout the ages. Be careful or your face might freeze that way. Don’t sit too close to the TV or it’ll ruin your eyes. Because I said so. My personal favorite absolutely made me crazy when I was a teenager but I totally plan to pass it down to my kids. In the words of my fabulous mom, “Disappointment builds character.” If I didn’t get the role I wanted in the school play. If I didn’t make the cheerleading squad. If I had to ride the bus. If my boyfriend broke up with me. “Disappointment builds character.” Please don’t tell my 17-year-old self this, but mom was right. Eventually, you may get the role, you could make cheerleading, you might find Mr. Right. But you’re a better person for the trials and learning experiences you’ve been through.
So today, I’d like to propose a toast to all the ninjas out there. Go into stealth mode, pour a glass of wine, and raise it high. Take a deep breath. You made it through another day! You’ve got mad ninja skills.