Healing : A Journey through Spouse’s Mental Illness

I sat in the parking lot bawling.

Tears and snot cascaded down my face.

I had just admitted my husband into a mental health facility, and all I could wonder was if I was doing the right thing.

For him.

For our family.

For me.

It had come to the point where my husband could no longer function normally. He wasn’t eating, he wasn’t sleeping, and he needed professional help.

Now, a year later, I look back and reflect on the things I learned during this tumultuous time in our lives and how we fought and continue to fight the mental illness of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Mental illness is common!

Although the stats are sometimes reported differently, mental illness is common and affects adults and children each year.

Sometimes the challenges are outgrown or helped with therapy. Other times it is something an individual may struggle with to varying degrees all of his or her life.  

And it’s not always easy to identify who suffers.

My husband is highly successful in his job, an ideal father, and a loving husband. You probably wouldn’t pick him in a multiple choice, “Which one has a mental illness” question.

But, after an intense period of stress, he was diagnosed with OCD. The few days he spent in the mental health facility were just the beginning of his journey. The mental health facility’s aim was to get him to where he could function (eat, sleep, etc.) again; the hard work started when he was discharged. He started going to cognitive behavioral therapy so he could understand and combat his disease.

Mental illnesses are usually misunderstood.

When I did share about what was happening in my family with one of my friends, she said, “You’re so lucky. I wish my husband had OCD and would keep our house clean! He never cleans up after himself.” I quietly explained to her that being organized and neat does sometimes describe people with OCD, but it was more of a myth.

And, that I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone.

OCD, in layman’s terms, is like getting stuck on a thought or idea. This also happens with people who don’t have OCD, but the thought eventually fades or gets resolved as other things crowd in to take its place. For people with OCD, the thought lasts for hours, days, sometimes weeks, and they aren’t able to focus on anything else. Many times OCD is associated with rituals, like hand washing, but not always.

For my husband, he would be so stuck on a thought that it became all he did. It consumed him.  But, as he started his therapy, the best tool we had to fight OCD was to understand it. I was able to support him by encouraging him to redirect his thoughts. I learned this through reading books about OCD and attending my husband’s therapy sessions with him.

Being supportive starts with being okay myself.

As my husband fought the OCD, I had a lot of emotions. His whole personality had changed and his once observant, loving, helpful nature was taken over by obsessive thoughts. I was angry, frustrated, sometimes lonely, constantly worried, but mostly I was stressed. I was swimming in unfamiliar water and doing the best I could to make sure my young son got three meals a day.

As I look back, I see how my strongest moments of supporting my husband (and son) were when I took care of myself first.

I know, I know. Everyone says this. New moms, take care of yourself. Stay-at-home moms, make sure you get “me” days. But, it’s said so many times because it is essential. When every minute of the day is spent thinking or caring for someone else, you lose yourself.

I didn’t have a lot of “me” time, but I tried to prioritize moments of calm. In stressful situations, your body needs sleep, which I also tried to get. But, even if it was just a quiet time during my son’s nap, I would close myself in a room, take a deep breath, and tell myself I could do this. I could be the wife to support my husband in “sickness” just like I had supported him in “health.”

Accepting help brought healing.

There are so many people who helped us on our journey. A friend came to watch my son at a moment’s notice. My husband’s therapist and the network of therapists in his group who were available whenever my husband was struggling. My parents, who drove endless hours to take care of us. And the list goes on and on.

It was the people, both professionally trained and friends who wanted to show their love, who helped us find our way.

But, the hardest part was admitting we needed the help. That was our first step toward healing.

There is hope!

Someday my husband will share his story with our children. He will share how bad it got, and how he sometimes still struggles today, but the overwhelming message will be there is hope!

Hope is found in understanding mental illnesses that are sometimes stereotyped or jokingly portrayed in culture. Hope is found in getting help from professionals and finding support in your family, friends, and community.

Today my husband is once again the successful, ideal, loving employee, father, and husband. He still struggles with OCD thoughts, but he has the tools and support to fight back.

Admitting my husband into the mental health facility was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But, it was the best thing I could have done for our family.

If you or a family member struggles with mental illness, take the first step. Find help, and you’ll be amazed at how much healing there is out there. I know I was.