Growing up, there was never a question as to whether I would have a family or a career; I would have both. I never really envisioned myself as anything but a working mom. Also, growing up in a Christian home, my faith was very important to me. I never saw the two as having a potential for conflict. When I met my husband, who also valued my same beliefs, we quickly made it a priority to find a church together. We went through premarital counseling and ensured we shared all the same values regarding marriage and children. He also knew my career goals and was supportive of those. Again, the idea of being a working mom never seemed to be an issue. It wasn’t until I had children that I began to really question if I could be both a working woman and a Godly mother.
A few years ago, I was introduced to a co-worker who quickly became a friend. She came into my life at such a pivotal time. I was about to get married and of course wanted a family, and she was my benchmark. She was a great Christian woman, had a wonderful marriage, two kids and a great career. I looked up to her in so many ways and thought (and still do) she has it all! I thought, see, I can be a great mom, wife and professional. She continued to be a close friend and colleague through the births of my babies and was invaluable to me as I navigated the painful transition back to work from maternity leave.
One day, she came to me to tell me that she was quitting her full-time job to take advantage of a part-time opportunity that would allow her to be home with her kids more. I was genuinely happy for her because I knew it is what she wanted; but I must say, personally I was devastated. Not only would I not have her daily influence, but here was my standard of a working mom and the model was not sustainable. I immediately began to question my own situation and wonder if I was doing irreparable harm to my kids.
I also had friends through my church small group that I looked up to in the same way. Wonderful women that wore the hats of mom and employee. But soon some of those moms also left the workforce to stay home with their children. I felt completely alone and came home on many days in tears, wondering if I was making the right decision.
It seemed like all my role models were opting to stay home. It felt as though my pool of mentors was forever fading. I became very insecure in my decision and wondered if they judged me? Do they think I love my children less? Are they thinking I am selfish or materialistic? Do I have to sacrifice in things and experiences to show my kids that I love them more? Am I following God’s will for my life by working?
I have always struggled with being a working mom, which I recognize as being somewhat ironic considering I have never wavered from my decision. The struggle is not in a sense of whether I was making the right decision, but rather if it was what was best for my kids. Some days I genuinely feel as though I can do it all; while others I feel like I am falling flat on my face.
I want to show my daughter that she can have a family and a career. For my son to be proud of me and see me as a strong woman. I want to show my husband I am a professional and a loving wife. I want my co-workers to respect me and feel like I bring value to our organization and my family and friends to see me as a balanced professional that gives her all to her career and family. Above all, I want my kids to be protected in every way and know they have the unconditional love of their mother.
So, what’s the point of all of this? I’m not even entirely sure myself. Maybe to get these thoughts out of my own head. Maybe because someone out there may feel the same. Maybe to provide a different perspective or to stimulate dialogue.
Maybe because someone else out there may be struggling to be everything to everyone or to meet this unattainable or unrealistic standard of perfection we place on ourselves. Or, maybe you are just doing the best you can, every day, and that is all you can do…and that….is perfect.
Guest Author
| Coty is a resident of Canton, Georgia and a local government professional for a metro Atlanta City. She attended the University of Georgia and is a huge college football fan trapped in a ‘household divided’ with her University of Alabama alumni husband. She is a proud mom to 3 redheads: Camdyn (10), Maddox (3) and Finley (1). If she is not at work or tending to one of her redheads, she is likely working out, at the lake, attending a music concert or exploring a new date night spot with her hubby! |
I understand entirely where you are coming from. My mother was a full time working mom my entire life. She had three kids and was the bread winner in our family on and off as my dad ventured with different businesses.
As a kid, I did notice that my mom wasn’t the one volunteering to be class mom, or any of those types of things. But she was at everything that really mattered. She took me to dance class every day after school, she took my other sister to gynamstics. They traveled all over the north east for our competitions and meets. She was nothing short of remarkable.
Now that I have my own family, it never crossed my mind that I would stop my career. My son is only 5 months old, but there have already been days that when my head hits the pillow, I think, wow, I failed life today. Then there are days that I think, hell yeah, I’m freaking superwoman.
There is nothing wrong with working full time. In my opinion, it allows me to open so many more doors for my son. He learns way more at daycare from other kids and the activities they do than I would do with him at home. It allows us to have a vacation budget so that he can experience other cultures and be out of his confort zone.
Working full time isn’t for everyone. There isn’t a right answer. Personally, I commend stay at home moms. I don’t know how they do it. I need my career to keep going. That doesn’t mean I love my son any less, and if you think that makes me a bad mom, take a hike! It simply just means, that’s what’s best for me and my family.