I am a life-long people pleaser. Even as a little girl, I’d defer to what the other kids wanted to play because it just seemed like the “right” thing to do. While there’s something to be said for tapping into the needs of others, I’ve discovered an important truth as these tendencies followed me into parenthood. When it comes to what’s best for my kids, I’ve got to let the people-pleasing part of my personality go.
I wish this was easy for me, but it is not. People pleasers hate making other people uncomfortable. We don’t like inconveniencing those around us. We want to be liked. And, a majority of the time, we are perfectly content being flexible and accommodating. Of course, these characteristics have their perks. Who doesn’t enjoy being around the girl who goes with the flow and hates making waves? The problem is that it gets really tricky when it comes to parenting.
Why?
We are our kids’ voices. And, advocating and people-pleasing cannot co-exist.
This lesson hit me in the face when my oldest son was diagnosed with multiple life-threatening food allergies. His little brother soon followed suit, and I have spent much of the last decade stretching my advocacy wings on their behalf. I can’t lie: I still feel sick to my stomach when I must have an awkward conversation or stand my ground in the face of those who don’t understand the seriousness of my boys’ situation or how it affects their hearts. But, I’ve become a heck of a lot more courageous with time and practice.
Bravery is a muscle that you can stretch, too. Maybe you have to confront a friend about her child’s mean antics on the playground. Or, perhaps you must ask your school for special accommodations to best meet your child’s special needs. Whatever it is that makes your peace-loving heart nervous, here are some things to keep in mind as you advocate for your kiddo.
Your posture is everything. People pleasers are notoriously thoughtful when choosing their words and cognizant of how they might affect those around them. We’ve all experienced confrontations that start with “guns ‘a blazing,” and we know how quickly this sets a defensive tone. If you’re a people pleaser, you are keenly aware of your delivery. So, lean on your strengths by bringing kindness and humility to the table from the start. This is a gift – use this superpower to your advantage! The trick is remembering you CAN be kind and firm simultaneously. It takes practice, but the more you juggle the two, the more confident you will become.
Rely on facts and not emotion. Since most people pleasers are “feelers” this can be really challenging. But, I’ve found when I carefully plan out my words and take a fact-based approach to ask for what’s best for my child, my fear dissipates tremendously. For example, if your child is being bullied, you may be tempted to start by explaining how awful this makes your kid feel. If you instead focus on the logistics of the situation and provide concrete ideas about how to remedy it, you will be much more effective. There is tremendous weight in facts.
Remember that you are doing exactly what anyone else would in your shoes. Let this resounding truth give you the courage to be bold. We’ve all heard the phrase “when we know better, we do better,” so trust the good intentions of those around you. When it comes to my boys’ food allergies, I know deep in my heart that I don’t live amongst a bunch of sociopaths. Most people do not want to see them hurt or make them feel left out. So, it’s my job to try to turn an uncomfortable situation into an opportunity to educate those around me. You know that moms everywhere would be fighting for their kids, too, if they were you. If you can help others see this in the slightest way, then you are winning.
When you speak up, you are empowering your kids to one day do the same for themselves. If you hear anything I say, please hear this! We are our kids’ best teachers and examples. We may be their voices now, but we can’t follow them to college, or into the workplace, or even into their own marriages. When we stand up for what’s right – especially when it pushes us outside of our comfort zones – we are empowering them. And, goodness, there is no better way to show our babies how much we love them.
People pleasing mamas of the world… you’ve got this. Take a deep breath and stretch that bravery muscle. Remember, you are your child’s hero. And, that makes it 100% worth it!
