A few years ago, I’d post a weekly status on my Facebook page. Something along the lines of, “You guys won’t believe what I’ve said to my kids this week, and it’s only Tuesday…” The general point is that I’d already given a week’s worth of ridiculous instruction and re-direction and I still had so much time left to go. It’s the never-ending parenting struggle, I suppose. I don’t post that particular status as much anymore. Not because I don’t yell to hear my own voice lovingly advise my children of more effective ways to behave anymore, it’s just that I thought it had gotten pretty old. That whole cycle of me saying what I thought didn’t need to be said…the kids doing it anyway…me researching retro-active birth control giving up…it was frustrating, to say the least.
But then I realized I was missing out on an important opportunity. A chance to help my fellow moms, the new ones anyway, grow and be smarter than I had been. See, I’d given these kids the benefit of the doubt. I’d assumed that common sense was…well, common, and they’d gone out of their way to prove that it wasn’t. The things they’d make me say! It was an exercise in patience. But now I’ve done the workout for you.
So that you don’t make the same mistakes I did, I’d like to give you my list of Things You Never Thought You’d Say…That You’re Definitely Gonna Say…Like, a Lot…Seriously, A Whole Lot or Moms Say the Darndest Things (for short):
1. Don’t pee on the floor!
Look at you, with that incredulous look on your face. You think that when your kid is potty trained, the world will be a better place. You think that means you’ll be done with awkward bathroom times. Pardon me while I make fun of you shake my head in that wise old Morgan Freeman-like way he does in all of the movies where he’s the sage voice of wisdom. See, potty trained kids are actually even harder to manage than diapered ones. They pee on the toilet seat, they pee on the floor, they pee on the walls and then they’ll pee more. Seriously, Dr. Seuss couldn’t have said it better. Just take my word for it, you’ll be using this one often.
2. Language!
Are you that parent that thinks she’ll never use a four letter word around her kid? You think that the only colorful talk you’ll have is when you’re planning the coordinating scheme for the nursery? Aw, that’s cute. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t even have to be a sailor for kids to pick out that 1 measly swear word you’ve said in all of your parenting years. It’s fate. You could be a complete angel 99.9% of the time, but the fact remains you’re more fun when you curse. And your kid is going to sense the excitement that comes with that one word and they will commit it to memory and use it anytime they’re in the presence of someone that can truly judge you. Be that at church, at your mother-in-law’s retirement party, in a parent-teacher conference…it will happen. But don’t worry, you won’t die from shame. You may wish you could, but you’ll survive and it’ll make for one helluva anecdote at their high school graduation!
3. Don’t eat that!
Not to be confused with the also popular, “Don’t lick that!” You know those dinners that you painstakingly plan and prepare that the kids can’t seem to digest without an endless supply of groans and eye rolls? Well, those dinners have nothin’ on a sturdy piece of cardboard torn off of your discarded Amazon Prime box. It’s like comparing apples to…well, to boxes. And your children’s palates are much too particular to miss out on the fiber that a good box or Barbie doll foot or even a playground rock offers. If it’s the least bit inedible, they will eat it. This isn’t up for debate, just trust me.
4. Privates are not play things!
I don’t think this one needs a huge explanation. Just know that from the time they can pick their goodies out in a lineup, you’ll be saying it to your husband kids more often than you think.
5. We don’t talk about family stuff in public.
This one is tricky. You want to encourage your kids to always speak their minds and to be honest. But there’s a fine line between being forthright and telling all of mommy’s business. Case in point, a kindergartener (who shall not be named) witnesses his saint of a mother attempting to restore order to the house (and the environment) by concocting a DIY stove cleaner. Long story short, the night ends in an only mildly exciting fire alarm. The next day, when asked why his progress report isn’t signed, said kindergartener informs his teacher that his mom spent the night “smoking” so she didn’t have time to sign it. And thus ends the tale of why my 5 year old is no longer my favorite kid. Girl, full disclosure is way overrated when it comes to kids.
So there you have it. Whether you’re newly pregnant or mom to a very young one, brush up on these 5 easy phrases before your time comes. It will be here before you know it and you need to have these old tried & true mom favorites down pat. Don’t say Brittni didn’t warn ya!
