Parents and Kids – Taking Care of Both

What is the old saying about making plans?  While I was writing, and rewriting a completely different post, that’s just what happened to our family.

Within one week, my mom wound up in the ER for shortness of breath and chest pains. Just a few days later – my father-in-law found himself faced with his second open-heart surgery in ten years.

With these health issues facing our family, it made me think about the challenges many of us may face: taking care of our parents and our children.

My mom is almost 84. She lives alone after the passing of my sweet dad in 2011. As an only child, I have found myself being a daughter, friend, advisor, advocate, and caregiver. Not that I wasn’t all of the things before the passing of my dad, but without him, I feel an immense sense of responsibility to “take care of” mom.

I love my mom and want to help her in every way I can. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose your friend, confidant, partner in crime and constant companion.

With my son now in second grade, I try to be there for my mom as much as I can. But since she is four hours away, I don’t feel the freedom preschool afforded to sometimes leave early, or miss a day here and there to run to my mom’s side.

There are many times she has to go to appointments without me. While I am a phone call away and can always talk to her doctors directly, it’s not the same as being there.

Thankfully, my mom completely understands and encourages me to always put my children and husband first.

And, fortunately for our family, my in-laws live only 10 minutes away and we can be there for them when needed. This lifts the burden of travel and lets us be close, especially in times of need.

My husband and I find that our parents AND children need us. As more and more of us face the challenges of being caregivers for our parents as well as our children, we have to find the balance.  These are a few of the things I try to focus on.

1. Take care of yourself. I break this rule all the time, which I always regret. If you feel terrible, run down and empty, you cannot possibly give to anyone else long-term. Taking care of yourself can mean different things to different people. It may mean working out, getting your nails done, getting a massage, talking on the phone, having a date night or just sitting alone and watching TV without interruption. Whatever works for you, do it. Set aside time to make sure you regroup and recharge.

2. Don’t let guilt rule your life. This is also tough for me to keep under control. I feel guilty not being there for my mom or if I don’t call my in-laws often enough. I feel guilty if I have to talk “doctor” with my mom while my kids just want to get on the phone and tell her silly jokes. I’ve come to realize that it is a good lesson to show my kids. Not everything is always wonderful in life, but we stick by those we love and help them through hard times.

3. It’s ok to ask for help. No matter how tough it is, it is imperative to ask for help. For me, this means asking friends or relatives to check on my mom if I am not able to be in town. I’ve found folks are usually happy and willing to help.

4. Prioritize. Who needs you the most? It is often a toss up, but try to help the one who needs you the most at that time is my rule of thumb. It helps assuage the guilt and lets me prioritize using fact versus emotion.

5. Get advice from the experts. There are many books, websites, and resources on how to care for aging parents. A simple Google search can turn up a wealth of information on the best ways to care for children and parents.

With the growing trend of being the so-called “sandwich” generation, it’s important we talk about caring for both parents and children. Most importantly, we need to be there for each other. The struggle is real.