As we get older, get married, and have children, it’s completely natural for relationships to change and evolve. We go from being single and hanging out with our single friends to gravitating towards more married couples. Honestly, who wants to be the third wheel? When we have kids, we seek out others who are in the same boat. As our kids grow, we group up with those that have kids the same ages. But, the one thing I have found, and try to avoid, is getting so caught up in ‘my’ day to day that I lose sight of my friends, their needs, and the relationships that are important to me.
It’s easy, especially after having children, to get focused on keeping kids alive day in and day out that days go by and weeks pass with little or no real adult interaction. As a sometimes work-from-home mom, it can be challenging. I can imagine for those that work outside the home, it can be even doubly so. While I try to be very conscious of the important people in my life, outside of my immediate family and spouse, I am often guilty of allowing too much time to pass before I connect with those people again.
Personally, I think social media has unfortunately replaced real, close, human interaction and relationships. We are ultra-connected but, are we really connected? We see what everyone is doing all the time and see all the negative stuff happening. A person posts that they are struggling with something and the obligatory “praying and thinking of you” is our best response. I’m not saying that those people aren’t praying and thinking of their friend, but do we really stop long enough on more than one occasion to offer that prayer or thought?
One thought that has been evident to me, as I have gotten older and as social media has forged its path in our relationships, is nothing can replace face time. We were designed to live in community with one another. The more we have real community replaced with online communities, I think we lose sight of the importance of real community. Offering kind words to a friend is nice, but I think it’s an excuse to “sort of” be a good friend by “being there” without being there. I am just as guilty as the next person, but I try to catch myself. While Motherhood has its challenges, one of the biggest hurdles to overcome, is to not allow our kids to completely run our lives.
We need date nights with our husbands or significant others. We need time with our friends, away from kids, and we need that time to connect with people in real time, in a real place. In my opinion, all those things make me a better Mom. And sometimes, I am humbly reminded of how small my challenges are and how small my perspective is, when I spend time with someone who has a bigger challenge and a different perspective. To me, life is the sweetest and the best when we look beyond ourselves and look to serve another person and reach out to other people.
When a friend is going through a difficult circumstance, it’s easy to be present in the moment but what about when the dust settles, and time passes? We go back to our normal day to day, but they are still hurting months after. How can we still be present? How can we help the new mom who is struggling with adjusting? Help the mom who just lost a spouse or a parent? How can we maintain our connections during the most amazing responsibility on the planet that is motherhood? Effort. Real, conscientious effort.
Make a date to meet at a park and have a real conversation while the kids play. Carve out time to meet for a cup of coffee for one hour. Be willing to find a sitter to have time with your significant other on a Friday night. (Trust me, your kids will live, you will live, and you might enjoy it.) I am big fan of the college girls at my church. Call the friend who went through a tough time and just ask, “How ARE you?” and listen. Do it a month later when your life is normal and their’s might not be. When the person pops in to your head, don’t let it pass. Pick up the phone and call them when you think of them. If you can’t in the moment, write it down to call them later.
It’s amazing how fed a person’s spirit can feel when someone just says, “I was thinking of you and wanted to call.” Make the new mom in town feel welcome by inviting them out to meet your other mom friends. Walk over to the new neighbor’s house and introduce yourself. Introduce yourself to a mom at the park you haven’t met before. All in all, it takes a concerted effort and willingness to step out of your comfort zone. Social media can’t touch the richness and rewards of great relationships. After all, if we want to be a society that is “for” people, then let’s really be “for” people.
If you’re the one struggling, don’t be afraid to open up to someone you trust. Let’s be real, we aren’t the first people to ever deal with something hard. If we hear of someone dealing with something we have dealt with and, hopefully, successfully navigated, then reach out and offer encouragement. Connect people who can help each other. I have two friends who have dealt with infant loss. They didn’t know each other but they both knew me. When one friend started navigating this excruciatingly hard path, I called another friend who’d been navigating the path for three years. I connected them because I knew I was limited but felt they could help each other in different ways. Be a connector.
If we want our kids to learn to have healthy friendships and develop great relationships, then let’s SHOW THEM. Show them how to step out of our comfort zone and how to make someone feel welcome. Let’s show our kids that asking for help is okay. How to offer someone a kind word and even a little grace when necessary. Let’s be the ones that they learn from because we model it, not because we tell them to do it.
