How I Got My Kids to Stop Fighting by Using a Piece of Paper and Duct Tape…and other Hacks from a Twin Mom

Recently I shared a slice of what I thought was genius in my twin mommy facebook group.  It was a little life hack I conjured up during a temper tantrum.  [We twin moms are prone to these.]  I thought it was a brilliant way to stop my kids’ bickering in its tracks.  My fellow moms put my ego in check when they responded, “Oh yeah, we’ve been doing that for years now.”  Why didn’t any of you tell me this before?!  Was it so obvious that it should have gone without saying?

If you have several toddlers or preschoolers close in age, you want in on this secret that apparently every twin mom figures out sooner or later.  But first, you must promise to never, ever, ever say to a mom of twins, “My kids are X number of months apart so it was JUST LIKE having twins.”  Just no.

Here’s our secret bickering buster:

Hack #1: Each kid gets assigned a day.

Today in my house it was “Jackson Day”.  Before I even flicked on my Keurig, I flipped my classy Jackson/Julie sign hanging proudly in my kitchen.  It’s a piece of computer paper with their names scribbled on it, hanging by a scrap of pink duct tape.  (How did I ever end up with pink duct tape?) 

From the moment he wakes up, Jackson will be first for everything.  Jackson will be served breakfast first, have first dibs on which blanket to snuggle under while watching cartoons and choose which color spoon he’d like first.  But he’ll also need to use the bathroom first and get dressed and ready for school first.  He will be first to turn his iPad off, but then first to choose his afternoon snack. 

I invented Jackson/Julie Day in a fit of pregnancy hormone rage while my twins were fighting for the bazillionth time about whose teeth would be brushed first.   I was hugely pregnant with my whoopsie baby and my then 3-year-old twins had just kissed naptime bye-bye. 

“FROM NOW ON” I hollered, “EVERY DAY WILL EITHER BY JACKSON DAY OR JULIE DAY.  YOU’LL BE FIRST FOR EVERYTHING!  AND WE’RE GOING TO GO BACK AND FORTH EVERYDAY UNTIL YOU GO TO COLLEGE!”  Or something like that.

And then I was pleasantly surprised by how seriously a couple of 3-year-olds embraced this new decree.  I could apply it to almost every situation we encountered.  Who gets to push the button on the automatic door opener.  Who picks their seat first.  Who rings the doorbell first.  Who opens the door first.  Who gets the mail.  Who plays with the toy first.  Who picks their lollipop flavor first.  Who picks the quiet time movie.  Who gets shampooed first.  Who gets out of the tub first.  Who gets the puppy towel.  Who talks to Daddy on facetime first.  Who gets to hold the phone.  Who picks which playground we’re going to.  Who picks their swing first.  Who gets pushed first.  And on and on to infinity and beyond.

The beauty of it is that it includes going first for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G, good and bad.  They can choose their cookie first, but they’ll be brushing their teeth first too. 

Don’t worry about remembering whose day it is.  A 4-year-old does not forget these things. 

Hack #2:  Live or Die by the Timer

Whoever said “Sharing is Caring” is most definitely NOT a mom of twins.  More like, “Shoving is Loving”.  There is no sharing in raising twins.  I like to picture Tom Hanks saying this, a la A League of their Own.

Most moms include Referee on their resume these days.  I haven’t stooped to the level of buying a whistle (now that would be a nice mother’s day present), but I love me a timer.  When I sense a tug of war over a toy brewing, I run to the nearest timer-equipped appliance and set it for 2 minutes.  Whoever’s day it is (See above) gets a turn with the coveted object first. 

Toddlers pick up on the timer in a jiffy.  I’ve used it with all 3 kids before the age of 2.  It can be a little tedious, setting and resetting a timer 5 or 6 times before they move on to something else.  I can hear my mother’s voice saying, “If they fight over it, just take it away from em all!”.  But IMHO 2-3 screaming children under the age of 5 is more of a pain in the neck than pressing a few buttons on my phone.

I’ve even been known to set the timer for myself.  “Okay kids, no one is allowed to talk to Mommy until the timer goes off!”  [accidentally sets timer for 3 hours]

My friends pick on me about the timer.  “There goes Kristen again with her timer!”  One of these days I’m going to patent a timer for twin moms and make millions.  As soon as I finish the laundry…

Hack #3:  The Toy Jail.  I mean Library.  The Toy Library.

I’ve managed to bring my traveling circus into a library just enough for the kids to grasp the concept of checking out a few items and returning them in order to check out new items.  As my twins grow bigger their toys get smaller and the number of pieces reproduce like bunnies.  It took me over 4 hours to organize the playroom when they were 4.  I knew I’d cry if I saw all my work spewed across the room in less than 20 minutes.  I had to do something to limit how many toys the kids had access to at any given time.

I cleared off an old 5 tier plastic shelf in the unfinished basement, next to their playroom.  On that shelf I placed the following:

1. Toys with a million pieces
2. Toys that don’t hold their interest long
3. Toys that annoy me
4. Toys they need a lot of help to clean up

I put a lock on the door and hung up another classy piece of computer paper with their names.  Every day they are allowed to check out 2 toys each from The Toy Library, and I jot down what they pick out.  Before they can pick something else they have to find and clean up the toys that are checked out. 

I started with 1 shelf and am already up to 3.  Each time we clean up I stick a few more things in jail.  It’s by no means organized or pretty.  But that’s a lot of toys that aren’t on the floor, and it’s a lot easier to get the kids to cooperate when we turn on The Clean Up Song.

Here’s the key takeaway from a mom of twins (plus 1 more thrown in for fun): your best parenting strategies are not going to be fancy.  You’re probably not going to find them in a trendy parenting book.  Poll your friends for what tricks they have up their sleeves.  The best tricks will likely have 2 things in common: they’re simple, but require being consistent.